8 things the dummies at Apple should’ve done in iOS 1.1


With iOS 9.3 and so much nonexistent functionality, it’s no wonder everyone I know is switching to Android. Does anyone at Apple even use the iPhone?

If you agree with this list, tweet it to AppleSupport or something.

Customisable Control Centre Apps

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If I can swipe up from the bottom right corner to open the camera, then I don’t need a camera button in the control centre. Why can’t we change these to apps we actually use?

Mark notifications as read

This one really boggles my mind. If I’ve read a message in the notifications centre, I don’t need to see a badge app icon.

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Set Do Not Disturb, Bluetooth, and Aeroplane mode for pre specified time periods

From what I remember, my old Nokia 5030 XpressRadio could do this in 2009… Step your game up Apple. Your piece of shit iPhone battery isn’t good enough for me to pull an all nighter with Bluetooth on. I don’t want to miss important Tinder notification because I forgot to turn my phone off Do Not Disturb mode.

Send read receipts to certain contacts

Most times I don’t want people to know whether I’ve read the text message they’ve sent me, so I leave read receipts off. But there are some people in my life that I do want to send read receipts to.

Custom functionality for certain passcodes or fingerprints, eg, for kids

Imagine being able to give your phone to a 4 year old kid knowing that all they can do is play games. Sure, Apple might get reduced sales from people buying their kids a dedicated device, but they’d also see reduced numbers of people jumping ship to Android.

Customisable physical button

Imagine if there was an extra button on your iphone. By default it would enable the flashlight, but if you wanted to, you could assign it a special task. I would make mine immediately start recording video, or start the voice recorder, or start the countdown timer, or count the number of times Apple releases an iOS update without adding any decent functionality…

Swipe left to unlock

Currently we swipe right to unlock, and swiping left does nothing. This feels like a wasted opportunity. Why not swipe right to unlock and go to home screen, and swipe left to go straight to the app that was last open? No increased knowledge gap, no downside.

Make a phone strong enough that we don’t need to put a bulky case on it

Apple is trying so hard to make their phones as thin as possible. Unfortunately this makes them so fragile that everyone ends up buying a bulky case to protect their investment. Why not make a phone that’s strong enough not to need a case? And while you’re at it, add a piece of steel to the corner of the next iPhone so I can open the beer I so badly need right now.



Think of the smell of cheap rubber. The kind of smell you might encounter at the shoe section of your local department store. Now think about that same smell, only burnt — as if a fire had just torn through the department store and you were standing in the burnt remains of the shoe section. Got it? Well that is the best way I can describe the smell of Reblochon cheese — the main ingredient of Tartiflette. You may be thinking that I’m doing a bad job of selling this recipe, but bear with me.

As I’ve come to understand, in the cheese world, smell doesn’t equal taste. Take Époisses for example, which according to the New York Times, is “arguably the most deliciously pungent, the most highly regarded and — fairly or unfairly — most infamous raw-milk cheese in France, if not in the whole world”. It smells horrid. It’s been banned from public transport in France and I’ve been banned from leaving it in the fridge at home. But put it in your mouth and the experience changes completely. The smell disappears and you are left with a wonderfully creamy texture with subtle hints of earth and nuts. Reblochon is similar and the change is profound when it’s cooked. You get this uniquely complex flavour and the more familiar it becomes, the more you enjoy it. Continue reading